apathy cancer

I had an epiphany the other day. . . I don't actually remember where I was when I had it, but this realization suddenly helped me to begin making sense out of the seeming senselessness of this broken engagement business. . . and here it is:

Ever since I have known Badger, he's had a bit of an apathy problem. He has no real driving passion, hasn't figured out what it is that he wants "to do," or what it is that he loves. . . and when we first fell in love, I actually filled that space in his life. I became his passion: the thing that made him want to wake up in the morning. I was his direction, and I actually became his purpose. . . I was effectually filling a space in his life that I had no business filling!

And yes, dear reader, I'm sure you're thinking, "well, that's just plain sick! No human can fill that kind of gap in another person's life." And you're absolutely correct: it was unhealthy and unbalanced and weird.  . . And you're also right to say, "well no wonder it fell apart! Something that wrong can't last." And you're correct again (feel free to say I told you so- even though you didn't- you know, you really should have).

But the thing is that I did make it work! I was able to fill the gap, and pretty adequately for a pretty good stretch of time! I even convinced him that he wanted to make me his wife! BUT (and here comes the epiphany: drumroll, please . . . )

Badger's apathy is a cancer. He has apathy cancer. It was killing him before he fell in love with me, eating through the organs of his life, one by one. When I came along I was like an experimental treatment that appeared to solve the problem . . . and I actually sent his cancer into remission for a good year or so. But then the cancer flared up again, and this time with a vengeance. It ripped though even more organs and eventually ate out the place in his heart that was my home. . . and it killed me.

What I'm beginning to realize is that Badger never really loved me. He loved the idea of me, and he loved that I gave him purpose and some sort of trajectory. He loved the distraction from himself that I provided, albeit temporarily. But he never really loved me.

. . . sigh . . . cancer is a bitch. Especially the apathy kind.